It’s been a long time since my last post. A really long time. My apologies. Things went from bad to worse and got to a point where I was hanging on by a tread. This blog, which I had started as a way to share my story and experience and hopefully lend a voice to frustrated amateur caregivers -amateurs because we’re not trained we’re not nurses or psychiatrists or physicians, had become a nice little place for me to vent my anger etc…..things just got so overwhelming for me that I couldn’t even talk. I couldn’t talk about it here…i couldn’t talk about it, at all. Period. Shutdown. it was survival mode and I just had to put my head down and plow through, unable to even find the words to express myself, needs, fears, experience. It was about exhaustion- both mentally and physically. Emotionally. My free time became none existent. My social life became none existent. Any sort of romantic/love type relationship with someone was out of the question for me as I was already for all intents and purposes married now to my father -and he was having a love affair with alcohol. As the dementia (his, not mine…I think.) grew and evolved, he became more dependent on me. This man that all I had ever, my whole life wanted to do was distance myself from -became basically my sole focus in life. Tremendous mind fuck for me. So the point is it was all I could do to keep us both alive. I had no voice, no thoughts other than survival for us both. At the same time wishing that one of us would die. I don’t know If those two feelings can exist at the same time, but that’s what was happening. There was nothing for me to give here on this page because that would have required examining what was happening in order to report it, and what was happening was not something I was capable of looking at….even though I was up to my ears in it. One thing that someone who’s involved with an alcoholic/addict knows how to do is turn a blind eye. So essentially by that description I was like the Helen Keller of caregivers. No voice, blind eyes, was Helen Keller deaf too? I think she was deaf. Well I guess I could hear so….as usual -not good enough. Typical. Ok so two things. In keeping with the original tone of this blog- don’t do this! Don’t take this on. You are not a professional. Hire someone that is a professional trained caregiver if you at all can. But You’re reading this so chances are you’re already in it. You’ve already taken it on. Ok then, the other thing is that there IS an end. There can be an end that doesn’t have to involve either of your deaths. My father is now in a facility receiving great care, and I’m starting to get my life back. A little post traumatic stress disorder for sure, but I’m coming back.